Saturday, March 16, 2019

Cancer: The Great Humbler

You awake to find yourself lying in liquid feces at 4am.
You stumble into the bathroom and start the shower and you stand shivering under the water, waiting for it to warm up.

Once you are clean and dry, you return to your room and strip the bed, mattress pad included.

As the washing machine fills, you open the window so that you will stop gagging on the air freshener you sprayed thru-out, and finally you can catch your breath.

You ask yourself,
"How could this have happened?"

You feel a familiar, painful cramping low in your gut and you hastily run to the bathroom again.

Afterwards, you log onto your Amazon account, and with a sigh, you order adult diapers.

You thank God for another sunrise.

Love,
Dixie

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Remission is my Mission!

I've just finished my 2nd treatment of round 1 of chemotherapy in my quest for remission.
The 1st treatment consisted of 3 different drugs. Carboplatin, abraxane (both of which I've been treated with before) and a new one for me called Avastin.
Avastin is not technically a chemo agent due to the way it works. It prevents the formation of new blood vessels in the body,  thus starving the tumor to death. I will only recieve this 1-2-3 punch every third week. The other two weeks I receive the abraxane alone.
I have to admit that this first week kicked my butt!
But I'm keeping focused on my goal which is to once again achieve remission.
I am so humbled and grateful for each day of Life and the outpouring of support I've received from everyone renews my determination.
What a lovely thing this Life.
What a lovely thing is the kindness of others
.

Have a wonderful week
Love, Dixie


https://www.gofundme.com/xa5jd-help-with-medical-costs

Monday, February 25, 2019

Third Times the Charm.....etc....

Well hello there!
Yes I'm still here.
Been on a wonderful long break...and remission....
But...
Putting on my gloves again.

I'm getting an indwelling port placed on March 6th. I've never had a port before. When I made my 1st trip to the rodeo I was on the injectable blood thinner Fragmin twice a day for a pulmonary embolism. The 2nd time it was never mentioned so I just went with the flow.
So no beat up veins this time.

I hope everyone has been busy enjoying this beautiful, crazy world we all share.
I'll catch up now and then as my journey continues.
Remember,

Build bridges...not walls.

Love
Dixie

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Memorial Day...A Time to Reflect and Remember

Here in the USA we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday in May.
It is traditionally a day to honor our fallen heroes, and you will see Old Glory waving her stars and stripes throughout every city in America. Old cemeteries will be tidied, and tiny flags will adorn each veterans grave. There will be parades with living veterans of our wars, and they'll be marching, and you will hear the distant forlorn wailing of bagpipes.
There will be silence to the rifle fire of a 21 gun salute, and finally you will hear the lone mournful notes as Taps is played from a Bugle.

Taps makes me cry. The very notes tear through my soul and bring forth grief.
Not just for soldiers, but also for loved ones I have lost. Family members I'll never speak with, laugh with, or see again. At least not here in this physical world.

It has been many months since I've visited this little blog. I have been well. My CA-125 is at 19 and my latest CT scan performed just last week is normal. A second remission. I am grateful.
When I awoke to the quiet coolness of the morning with distant trills of songbirds, I thought about this little place where I come to write my thoughts, and I pondered why I haven't lately.

I think that because I am feeling well, I just don't wish to remind myself of being ill. Is that selfish?
I hope not. The truth is, I appreciate this tenuous grasp we all have on our health and respect it.
But when I feel good, I want to live. I want to go for walks. I want to smile and laugh. I don't want shadows over my shoulder.
I don't want to worry about tomorrow or next week. I don't want to recall bad things.
I just want today.

So I chose this weekend to update. I will recall our fallen, and I will remember those who are gone.
But I will not dwell upon my own struggles of the past, nor uncertainties of the future.
Not today.
God bless everyone.
Love, Dixie
 

Friday, January 29, 2016

January Update and Musings

Well I continue on the Lynparza and my CA-125 continues to decline. My latest result is 26.
I feel I am in a solid remission. Overall I feel well. Occasional nausea from the drug but that is easily managed.
I have some fatigue which I now suspect is from low blood counts. My hematocrit has dropped from 34 to 31, which can happen while on Lynparza, as it suppresses my bone marrow.
Nothing bad enough to require intervention as of this writing. I just rest frequently and try to maintain a healthy appetite.
Wow 2016 already and January almost gone. The days seem to fly by. I look around and am grateful to be here.

Each day I awaken and give thanks for being here to see the day. I say "Thank you God for this beautiful day." I don't care if the sun is shining or it's pouring rain.
Each night I pray for God to make me a kinder person. Kindness and gratitude are two things I strive for more of, and I pray to pass it on to others.

I'm here for a reason, even if its nothing more than to write these simple posts that someone may stumble across one day.
Even if I can cause one person to give thanks or to show kindness, then I have accomplished something good.

So Happy New Year's Everyone. I am grateful to you all and the many kindnesses that have been shown to me. Namaste!

Love,
Dixie

Sunday, December 20, 2015

In Remembrance of Dave

Today would've been my husband Dave's 61st birthday. For those of you who've followed this blog and the journal I kept at Caring Bridge, or even those who read Tales From the Teal Warrior, well I don't have to tell you what a terrific guy  Dave was.

Even though it has been over a year and a half since he died, it is still awkward for me to refer to him in the past tense. After all I did spend 36 years of my life with this man. Together we sort of grew up and grew old. We raised four wonderful boys who grew into the nicest young men any parent could hope for. We also shared many good times along with bad times, including virtually going through cancer together.

I felt tremendous survivors guilt after Dave passed away. I felt like there should've been something more I could've done to help him. Looking back I realize how naive I really was concerning the type of cancer Dave had and how ill he really was. But my very denial in a way, gave Dave hope and made him fight as hard as he could, so for that I am grateful.

I have a friend on Twitter named Teresa Lynn Johnson @TeresaLiveLyric who is a wonderful songwriter and Lyricist, and the other day she tweeted a link to her blog, where I read a song she wrote that reminded me so much of Dave, I just had to ask her if I could print it here on my blog.
Being the lovely sweet person that she is, she agreed. So today on Dave's 61st birthday, I'd like to share that song with all of you dear readers. Printed with permission of the author in its entirety.  Please enjoy.

HOLD ME

Oh would you hold me
Yes hold me just like this
And would you kiss me
With a hungry lover’s kiss
Hold me, kiss me, lets forget
Pretend they haven’t told us yet
And when I’m gone, my love you’ll know
You held a deeply happy soul
Pour all your feeling into me
Oh…
Hold me

~~~*Chorus*~~~
Don’t hold me like a Mother holds a child
I won’t break
Hold me like the pride
That you have inside
No mortal man can take
Hold me like a dam that keeps
The flowing waters back
Hold me
Hold me just like that
Oh…
This is what I need
When you hold me
~~*~~

Oh when you hold me
My mind wanders away
I think of others
Never being loved this way
Hold me, kiss me, yes I know
How blessed I’ve been that you’re my own
Before I’m gone, I want to prove
My life was great because of you
No way could I have been more pleased
Oh…
Hold me

~~~*Chorus*~~~
Don’t hold me like a Mother holds a child
I won’t break
Hold me like the pride
That you have inside
No mortal man can take
Hold me like a dam that keeps
The flowing waters back
Hold me
Hold me just like that
Oh…
This is what I need
When you hold me
~~*~~

~~~*Finale*~~~
When a girl seeks love
She can only pray
To find a man
Like you someday
There’s nothing more beautiful, serene
Than to leave this earth
Being held
In the arms of the man who loves me
Yes this is what I need
For you to hold me
~~*~~

You can enjoy more of Teresa's beautiful songs at her blog http://livinglyricallyteresalynnjohnson.blogspot.c
God bless you all.
Love,
Dixie

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Remission. NED. Beast back in the Cage....etc...

9am on Friday December 18th 2015
Phone rings. Caller ID says Dr. B.
Me:Hello
Person:(after identifying themselves) Hello. Is Dixie available?
Me: Speaking
Person: Hello Dixie. I'm calling from Dr. Blanchard's office. I have the results of your last CA-125
Me: (deep inhalation) Yes?
Person: 33. You are within normal limits.
Me: (dumbfounded) 33 you said?
Person: Yes Dr. Blanchard said you would want to know right away.
Me: (Numbly, calmly) Yes. Thank you very much for calling.
Person: Have a nice day.
Me: You too. Goodbye.

I disconnect. I realize I've been holding my breath and I quickly exhale and breathe in.
33.Wow.
First normal reading since January.
What do I feel? A deep sense of wonder and gratitude.
"I'm better" I think to myself. "I'm in remission!" NED (No evident disease)
I quickly call and message everyone I can think of. I announce it to all of the wonderful people on Twitter with a pinned tweet.

Now true I still need to get a CT scan to see the actual state of the disease but I know it is going to be stable. Deep inside, viscerally, I just know this.
I am so happy and feel so blessed. I walk around all day just giving thanks.

How long will this remission last? A few weeks? A few months? Hopefully a few years. More than a few years. I am just grateful. I have won this round. The beast is back in the cage, where hopefully it will remain.
Though I will remain a diligent watcher, I will not obsess about this. I will get back to the business of enjoying my life. And supporting others who continue their fight.

God bless and keep you all.
Life is good and worth fighting for.

Love,
Dixie