On Friday 3/2/12 after I get home from the ultrasound I sit back and take stock of how exhausted and drained I feel. I regretfully look at the dates I have picked-up to work and I call my DON to cancel all of them. I tell her what is going on as far as I know. I am tearful. I try not to burst into tears so I can be understood.
I tell her to tell V. I am sorry for picking up the time and having to cancel.
She wishes me luck. She tells me to stay in touch.
We hang up. I am not sure what this means. Am I now on medical leave or because I am per-Diem am I simply off the schedule and no longer have a job?
I'm so weary. I am too tired to think about it anymore.
Why doesn't Valerie call?
I tell my children and my sister over the weekend that I have cancer.
I make light of everything and tell them all is under control and I will be getting the treatment I need and everything will be fine. My sister is Jan my older sister. She was a caregiver to my younger sister Beth while simultaneously battling breast cancer herself.
I don't fool her one bit.
She has been there and knows my fear.
Monday comes 3/5/2012 and Valerie calls. She has found me a doctor She gives me the name and address in Boston along with the date and time. The appointment is a week away on Mon.3/12th-I am disappointed that it is not sooner but I know Valerie has worked hard to get me in. I thank her and promise to call with any questions.
The week drags by. I look for support groups online. I want to read Survivor stories. I want to read different treatment options. I find information. Maybe too much. I manage to scare myself.
The fluid is swiftly returning, and with it comes the difficulty of sleeping comfortably. I sleep sitting up-I can't sleep flat. I no longer sleep through the night.
I call Dr. W.s office to see about having another paracentesis.
He calls me back. I know it is too soon but I feel panicky.
He listens to me and reassures me. We go over the risk of infection and also the frequent fluid loss.
He asks me if I have pain. I don't but tell him I do have great anxiety.
He prescribes me something. I thank him and go to my pharmacy to get it.
The waiting is the hard part-now that I know, I want it gone. Cut it out. Bring on the chemo. I want to fight. I cry for no reason. I try not to do this in front of family, especially Dave. I worry about his health and the toll stress may take.
Thank God for him. He is my rock.
I will get through this. I will take each day as it comes.
I remind myself how blessed my life has been and I am grateful and humbled by it all.