Survivor guilt (or survivor's guilt; also called survivor syndrome or survivor's syndrome) is defined as a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not.
It is part of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I find myself dealing with this as I reflect back on this past year, and wonder if there was something I could've done differently. I never for one moment thought that I would out-live my husband.
The truth is, I didn't really accept the fact that he was actually going to die until a few days before it happened.
I look back and am amazed that it took me that long to come to terms with it. I truly believe that Dave had made his peace with it long before I did.
He was so strong. He was my rock when I was acutely ill. He is the one who held me in my darkest moments and convinced me that I could get through this.
I could not save David. Period. Neither could the best and brightest of Boston's medical elite.
Does telling myself this make me feel better? No.
I am still coming to terms with the fact that he is gone.It just seems to have happened so fast.
I miss him so.