Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I am a Terrible Patient

Well here we are. It is October and in case you didn't know it, it is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. So I salute all of you ladies who wear the Pink Ribbon.
These two especially.
My sisters. Jan and Beth.
Ironically I went for my first breast MRI today. And unless they make vast improvements, it will also be my last.
First they couldn't get a line in my arm for the contrast. Two blown veins and three sticks later,
they finally succeeded.
I remove all metal objects from my person, including my partial denture and glasses. Wouldn't want anything blowing up in there.
Now they lay me face down with my two boobs hanging down in two cut-out circle areas. I am 5'3" and this layout must have been for a taller person, because my face/nose/mouth is flattened down into an uncovered vinyl cushion, and my breastbone and ribcage are bearing  down on a hard, uncushioned surface. Both of my arms are positioned straight up over my head. Earplugs are inserted into my ears and my backside is covered with a sheet.
I am told that it will take around 30 minutes and I am giving an emergency bulb alarm to squeeze.

I am instructed to lie very still and not move.
They inject the contrast then the fun begins.
I am lying on a slab that slowly slides into a long cylinder. I hold very still. Did I mention that my nose itches?
Do you people of my generation recall the sounds in the movie Star Wars during the Laser sword fight?
Well I lay there listening to very loud decibels of a buzzing, whirring, zapping, pinging, unholy cacophony of banging,obnoxious racket.
This got old real quick.
Especially when my shoulder began to ache, After 20 minutes it began to cramp and I developed a whole new pain in my ribs and breastbone as they pressed deep onto the hard surface. I also have a splitting headache. Mind you, I took an ativan prior to this ordeal. I am not anxious.
I am in pain.

Finally after 45 minutes it all stopped and the tech asked how I was doing.
"Are we there yet?" I asked.
He informed me that we needed another 15 to 20 minutes.
Umm...noooooo. We're done. Dr. B. will have to be happy with my mammogram.
I am not doing this again.
Yeah. Something like this.

Have a lovely afternoon.

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