I've been trying to update more often but surprisingly enough, I lack the energy it takes just to put my thoughts together. Last week I cancelled my chemo. I am so sick and exhausted that I'm beginning to think it is doing more harm than good.
When not asleep, I am depressed and in pain from worsening neuropathy caused by the chemo. I am unsteady on my feet and the laryngitis is so bad others have trouble understanding me.
I'm worried about the rising costs of the chemo. I have a fundraiser going but I'm afraid that people just cant spare to give even $5 . Truthfully my biggest contributors have been my son and brothers and this bothers me. I feel like a burden. I am grateful to everyone who donate and pray to God everyday to please heal me so it will have been worth it.
I want God to bless each and every person who donates. I am humbled by their generous souls. A lot of them dont even know me yet they give. This is the core of the human condition. It's what I believe that ultimately we are placed on this earth to do and that is to love and care for one another.
I also ask God to bless those who pray for me and spread the word. I believe in prayer. It is a powerful thing.
I love you all. I hope every one of you remember to enjoy the little things in life. Like quiet mornings and beautiful sunsets. The laughter of a child.
God bless and goodnight.
Peace and love
Dixie
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
A Lesson for us all
Twenty or twenty five years ago, I can recall standing in line at the checkout at the grocery.
For some reason I would always find myself in line behind this little elderly lady. She didn't shop from a cart. Instead she would always carry one of the little plastic baskets over her arm, watching with an eagle eye as the cashier rang up her items.
And usually without fail, there would be some sort of minor dispute over the final tally of the receipt.
Me, being in my usual hurry would want nothing more than to pay the few cents difference myself so that I could keep the line moving and checkout myself.
Of course the lady wouldn't hear of this, so as the line grew longer, myself and the other shoppers waited while the manager was called over to settle the dispute.
As he carefully rescanned her items, I would casually make note of what she had bought. Three cans of tuna. Two cans of beans. A loaf of bread. One half gallon of milk. A dozen eggs, Three bananas. Four rolls of cheap toilet paper. And last but not least, Eight cans of fancy feast catfood.
Finally, with everything rang up to her satisfaction, she would carefully count out her money right down to the last dime. Clutching her receipt tightly she would refuse all offers of help and make her way out the door.
I recall and tell this story now because that lady is now me.
(Except for the catfood, which I always imagined that she loved her cat very much, because she always bought it the most expensive cat food the store sold.)
But I certainly do know now, why and how,she bugeted her grocery money very carefully.
She had to make sure it would last.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this "Keep your patience in check now and always be kind. Because one day you just might be the one with the basket."
Peace and love,
Dixie
For some reason I would always find myself in line behind this little elderly lady. She didn't shop from a cart. Instead she would always carry one of the little plastic baskets over her arm, watching with an eagle eye as the cashier rang up her items.
And usually without fail, there would be some sort of minor dispute over the final tally of the receipt.
Me, being in my usual hurry would want nothing more than to pay the few cents difference myself so that I could keep the line moving and checkout myself.
Of course the lady wouldn't hear of this, so as the line grew longer, myself and the other shoppers waited while the manager was called over to settle the dispute.
As he carefully rescanned her items, I would casually make note of what she had bought. Three cans of tuna. Two cans of beans. A loaf of bread. One half gallon of milk. A dozen eggs, Three bananas. Four rolls of cheap toilet paper. And last but not least, Eight cans of fancy feast catfood.
Finally, with everything rang up to her satisfaction, she would carefully count out her money right down to the last dime. Clutching her receipt tightly she would refuse all offers of help and make her way out the door.
I recall and tell this story now because that lady is now me.
(Except for the catfood, which I always imagined that she loved her cat very much, because she always bought it the most expensive cat food the store sold.)
But I certainly do know now, why and how,she bugeted her grocery money very carefully.
She had to make sure it would last.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this "Keep your patience in check now and always be kind. Because one day you just might be the one with the basket."
Peace and love,
Dixie
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Random Thoughts from a Grateful Soul.
So I'm just
lying here in my warm cozy bed and it just occurred to me that Chik Fila home spun chocolate milkshakes with whipped cream and a cherry on top just may be the worlds most perfect food for a gal or guy on chemo😂
I seriously love these things. They don't make me nauseous.
They feel so soothing to my mouth and throat. They supply much needed calories and they taste delicious😍
Sigh.....
Yesterday was a tough day. As my body builds up with the poison I need to slay the dragon, I find myself pondering the "what if's"
Like "What if
It doesn't work?
Will I have wasted time willfully making myself sick and weak instead of making the most of my allotted time feeling fairly well and out doing things and making good memories?
I usually don't reach these thoughts until I'm almost finished so I'm kind of disappointed in myself that I have a few rough days here and there and am already second-guessing.
So I come here to write this stuff down and get it off my chest and out of my heart.
Because this is not who I am.
I am a fighter. I want to live.
And I will get better. I will get back into remission.
I am so blessed and so grateful that people both family and strangers have been so kind to me. Because of all of their generosity I've been better able to pay for my treatments and medicine without having to give up other things like buying groceries and toilet paper. Electricity.....you know...luxuries. Hah! Seriously when you are on a fixed income you learn to pinch those pennies real hard and that is even when you don't have serious health issues. Cancer, well really, any chronic illness is so expensive. I cannot reiterate enough how much I appreciate those of you who have helped. There is just this urgency with cancer and chemo and it somehow just tries so hard to take everything out of you, even your precious joy. And ofcourse I realize that not everyone is able to donate but even when you just spread the word on your social media you never know who may see it and then they might donate. A kind deed grows and multiplies in many ways. God works in mysterious ways and I firmly believe angels do walk amongst us.
So now I'm going to talk with My Savior for a long bit and once again give all of my worries to God. Let go and let God. And to you my earthly family. May God fill each of you with love and joy and may your hearts soar with the beauty of it all. Wakeup tomorrow and do one act of kindness for someone who may never be able to repay you...but then again... That is why its called 'being kind" in the first place isn't it?
Peace and love
Dixie
Dixie Theriault Help with Cancer costs fundraiser
lying here in my warm cozy bed and it just occurred to me that Chik Fila home spun chocolate milkshakes with whipped cream and a cherry on top just may be the worlds most perfect food for a gal or guy on chemo😂
I seriously love these things. They don't make me nauseous.
They feel so soothing to my mouth and throat. They supply much needed calories and they taste delicious😍
Sigh.....
Yesterday was a tough day. As my body builds up with the poison I need to slay the dragon, I find myself pondering the "what if's"
Like "What if
It doesn't work?
Will I have wasted time willfully making myself sick and weak instead of making the most of my allotted time feeling fairly well and out doing things and making good memories?
I usually don't reach these thoughts until I'm almost finished so I'm kind of disappointed in myself that I have a few rough days here and there and am already second-guessing.
So I come here to write this stuff down and get it off my chest and out of my heart.
Because this is not who I am.
I am a fighter. I want to live.
And I will get better. I will get back into remission.
I am so blessed and so grateful that people both family and strangers have been so kind to me. Because of all of their generosity I've been better able to pay for my treatments and medicine without having to give up other things like buying groceries and toilet paper. Electricity.....you know...luxuries. Hah! Seriously when you are on a fixed income you learn to pinch those pennies real hard and that is even when you don't have serious health issues. Cancer, well really, any chronic illness is so expensive. I cannot reiterate enough how much I appreciate those of you who have helped. There is just this urgency with cancer and chemo and it somehow just tries so hard to take everything out of you, even your precious joy. And ofcourse I realize that not everyone is able to donate but even when you just spread the word on your social media you never know who may see it and then they might donate. A kind deed grows and multiplies in many ways. God works in mysterious ways and I firmly believe angels do walk amongst us.
So now I'm going to talk with My Savior for a long bit and once again give all of my worries to God. Let go and let God. And to you my earthly family. May God fill each of you with love and joy and may your hearts soar with the beauty of it all. Wakeup tomorrow and do one act of kindness for someone who may never be able to repay you...but then again... That is why its called 'being kind" in the first place isn't it?
Peace and love
Dixie
Dixie Theriault Help with Cancer costs fundraiser
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Thank You all. He heard you.
I'm down to 115 today.
Feeling very grateful.
Love
Dixie
Friday, March 29, 2019
Leg Swelling.
Have a lovely weekend too!
Love
Dixie
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Ready for Round Two
Good evening everyone. Finally made it over here to do a blog update.
As you know I've been dealing with some side effects that really dragged me down to that lonesome place where nobody wants to be.
Laryngitis, painful mouth sores, fevers, and the inability to eat due to the pain just gave me a big old case of the blues.
Thankfully I have a stellar team of people on my side and after dealing with it alone all weekend, I was able to get all of my issues addressed yesterday.
Normally today would have began the second cycle or
round 2 of my chemotherapy.
But my fabulous RNP Elizabeth and my oncologist Dr. G. decided that moving forward I will have every 4th week off.
This will give my bone marrow and my body a chance to rebound between cycles of chemo treatments.
I also began a course of antibiotics and prescription. lozenges to rid me of this thrush and mouth sores.
And I can honestly say that its clearing up and healing already after just 1 day of treatment.
And this gives me new resolve and determination.
I will get through this.
Round 2 will begin next Tuesday and I am ready! Bring it on!
Keep those prayers and healing vibes coming folks.
Peace and love
Dixie
As you know I've been dealing with some side effects that really dragged me down to that lonesome place where nobody wants to be.
Laryngitis, painful mouth sores, fevers, and the inability to eat due to the pain just gave me a big old case of the blues.
Thankfully I have a stellar team of people on my side and after dealing with it alone all weekend, I was able to get all of my issues addressed yesterday.
Normally today would have began the second cycle or
round 2 of my chemotherapy.
But my fabulous RNP Elizabeth and my oncologist Dr. G. decided that moving forward I will have every 4th week off.
This will give my bone marrow and my body a chance to rebound between cycles of chemo treatments.
I also began a course of antibiotics and prescription. lozenges to rid me of this thrush and mouth sores.
And I can honestly say that its clearing up and healing already after just 1 day of treatment.
And this gives me new resolve and determination.
I will get through this.
Round 2 will begin next Tuesday and I am ready! Bring it on!
Keep those prayers and healing vibes coming folks.
Peace and love
Dixie
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Keeping it Real.
Feeling a little down today. So I've come here just to vent and hopefully gain better insight.
I'm in pain. A lot. And let me say it sure does wear a body down.
The thrush still hasn't resolved. In fact, I have open sores inside my mouth which make eating very painful.
Also I have laryngitis 😶 And nausea and diarrhea. And a fever.
Gosh just listen to me whine!
Now let me focus on the positive.
I have a beautiful, caring family.
My 4 children and their spouses and my 9 grandchildren.
I sure do miss them.
I wish that I had a picture of all of my grandchildren together in a group.
Its geographically impossible but still I can envision it in my mind and it makes me smile to imagine it.
I love my brothers and sisters.
My sister Jan is so good to me. She is really like having a 2nd mother.
That is the kind of person that she is. Loving , loyal, and kind to everyone.
I helped her get through her own bout with cancer almost 2 years ago and now she is here for me.
I am so grateful to her and everyone else for their support and prayers.
I truly could not do this alone.
And today is such a beautiful day.
Enough complaining. This too shall pass.
And I will continue to choose Life.
Love,
Dixie
I'm almost to my goal. Please visit my link and help me get there if you can. I am so grateful to you all. Thank you.
Dixie Theriault Cancer Fund
https://www.gofundme.com/xa5jd-help-with-medical-costs
I'm in pain. A lot. And let me say it sure does wear a body down.
The thrush still hasn't resolved. In fact, I have open sores inside my mouth which make eating very painful.
Also I have laryngitis 😶 And nausea and diarrhea. And a fever.
Gosh just listen to me whine!
Now let me focus on the positive.
I have a beautiful, caring family.
My 4 children and their spouses and my 9 grandchildren.
I sure do miss them.
I wish that I had a picture of all of my grandchildren together in a group.
Its geographically impossible but still I can envision it in my mind and it makes me smile to imagine it.
I love my brothers and sisters.
My sister Jan is so good to me. She is really like having a 2nd mother.
That is the kind of person that she is. Loving , loyal, and kind to everyone.
I helped her get through her own bout with cancer almost 2 years ago and now she is here for me.
I am so grateful to her and everyone else for their support and prayers.
I truly could not do this alone.
And today is such a beautiful day.
Enough complaining. This too shall pass.
And I will continue to choose Life.
Love,
Dixie
I'm almost to my goal. Please visit my link and help me get there if you can. I am so grateful to you all. Thank you.
Dixie Theriault Cancer Fund
https://www.gofundme.com/xa5jd-help-with-medical-costs
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
1st Round of Chemo Complete!
Good morning all! I completed my 3rd treatment and round one yesterday. I've developed a severe case of thrush which is common but painful. I'm treating it with magic mouthwash and it is beginning to clear up. I'm having the usual fatigue, nausea, diarrhea but this just means the chemo is doing its job.
Tomorrow is the 1st day of Spring. How lovely is that. I can't wait to enjoy the nice weather!
All of the support and encouragement I'm receiving lifts my spirits and puts me in just the place my soul needs to be! Getting into remission again is everything and I couldn't do it without all of you.
Keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine.
Love and Peace
Dixie
If you can please check out my link below. Thanks to all of the kindness of others I'm very close to hitting my goal!
The Dixie Theriault Cancer Fund
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Cancer: The Great Humbler
You awake to find yourself lying in liquid feces at 4am.
You stumble into the bathroom and start the shower and you stand shivering under the water, waiting for it to warm up.
Once you are clean and dry, you return to your room and strip the bed, mattress pad included.
As the washing machine fills, you open the window so that you will stop gagging on the air freshener you sprayed thru-out, and finally you can catch your breath.
You ask yourself,
"How could this have happened?"
You feel a familiar, painful cramping low in your gut and you hastily run to the bathroom again.
Afterwards, you log onto your Amazon account, and with a sigh, you order adult diapers.
You thank God for another sunrise.
Love,
Dixie
You stumble into the bathroom and start the shower and you stand shivering under the water, waiting for it to warm up.
Once you are clean and dry, you return to your room and strip the bed, mattress pad included.
As the washing machine fills, you open the window so that you will stop gagging on the air freshener you sprayed thru-out, and finally you can catch your breath.
You ask yourself,
"How could this have happened?"
You feel a familiar, painful cramping low in your gut and you hastily run to the bathroom again.
Afterwards, you log onto your Amazon account, and with a sigh, you order adult diapers.
You thank God for another sunrise.
Love,
Dixie
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Remission is my Mission!
I've just finished my 2nd treatment of round 1 of chemotherapy in my quest for remission.
The 1st treatment consisted of 3 different drugs. Carboplatin, abraxane (both of which I've been treated with before) and a new one for me called Avastin.
Avastin is not technically a chemo agent due to the way it works. It prevents the formation of new blood vessels in the body, thus starving the tumor to death. I will only recieve this 1-2-3 punch every third week. The other two weeks I receive the abraxane alone.
I have to admit that this first week kicked my butt!
But I'm keeping focused on my goal which is to once again achieve remission.
I am so humbled and grateful for each day of Life and the outpouring of support I've received from everyone renews my determination.
What a lovely thing this Life.
What a lovely thing is the kindness of others
.
Have a wonderful week
Love, Dixie
https://www.gofundme.com/xa5jd-help-with-medical-costs
The 1st treatment consisted of 3 different drugs. Carboplatin, abraxane (both of which I've been treated with before) and a new one for me called Avastin.
Avastin is not technically a chemo agent due to the way it works. It prevents the formation of new blood vessels in the body, thus starving the tumor to death. I will only recieve this 1-2-3 punch every third week. The other two weeks I receive the abraxane alone.
I have to admit that this first week kicked my butt!
But I'm keeping focused on my goal which is to once again achieve remission.
I am so humbled and grateful for each day of Life and the outpouring of support I've received from everyone renews my determination.
What a lovely thing this Life.
What a lovely thing is the kindness of others
Have a wonderful week
Love, Dixie
https://www.gofundme.com/xa5jd-help-with-medical-costs
Monday, February 25, 2019
Third Times the Charm.....etc....
Well hello there!
Yes I'm still here.
Been on a wonderful long break...and remission....
But...
Putting on my gloves again.
I'm getting an indwelling port placed on March 6th. I've never had a port before. When I made my 1st trip to the rodeo I was on the injectable blood thinner Fragmin twice a day for a pulmonary embolism. The 2nd time it was never mentioned so I just went with the flow.
So no beat up veins this time.
I hope everyone has been busy enjoying this beautiful, crazy world we all share.
I'll catch up now and then as my journey continues.
Remember,
Build bridges...not walls.
Love
Dixie
Yes I'm still here.
Been on a wonderful long break...and remission....
But...
Putting on my gloves again.
I'm getting an indwelling port placed on March 6th. I've never had a port before. When I made my 1st trip to the rodeo I was on the injectable blood thinner Fragmin twice a day for a pulmonary embolism. The 2nd time it was never mentioned so I just went with the flow.
So no beat up veins this time.
I hope everyone has been busy enjoying this beautiful, crazy world we all share.
I'll catch up now and then as my journey continues.
Remember,
Build bridges...not walls.
Love
Dixie
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Memorial Day...A Time to Reflect and Remember
Here in the USA we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday in May.
It is traditionally a day to honor our fallen heroes, and you will see Old Glory waving her stars and stripes throughout every city in America. Old cemeteries will be tidied, and tiny flags will adorn each veterans grave. There will be parades with living veterans of our wars, and they'll be marching, and you will hear the distant forlorn wailing of bagpipes.
There will be silence to the rifle fire of a 21 gun salute, and finally you will hear the lone mournful notes as Taps is played from a Bugle.
Taps makes me cry. The very notes tear through my soul and bring forth grief.
Not just for soldiers, but also for loved ones I have lost. Family members I'll never speak with, laugh with, or see again. At least not here in this physical world.
It has been many months since I've visited this little blog. I have been well. My CA-125 is at 19 and my latest CT scan performed just last week is normal. A second remission. I am grateful.
When I awoke to the quiet coolness of the morning with distant trills of songbirds, I thought about this little place where I come to write my thoughts, and I pondered why I haven't lately.
I think that because I am feeling well, I just don't wish to remind myself of being ill. Is that selfish?
I hope not. The truth is, I appreciate this tenuous grasp we all have on our health and respect it.
But when I feel good, I want to live. I want to go for walks. I want to smile and laugh. I don't want shadows over my shoulder.
I don't want to worry about tomorrow or next week. I don't want to recall bad things.
I just want today.
So I chose this weekend to update. I will recall our fallen, and I will remember those who are gone.
But I will not dwell upon my own struggles of the past, nor uncertainties of the future.
Not today.
God bless everyone.
Love, Dixie
It is traditionally a day to honor our fallen heroes, and you will see Old Glory waving her stars and stripes throughout every city in America. Old cemeteries will be tidied, and tiny flags will adorn each veterans grave. There will be parades with living veterans of our wars, and they'll be marching, and you will hear the distant forlorn wailing of bagpipes.
There will be silence to the rifle fire of a 21 gun salute, and finally you will hear the lone mournful notes as Taps is played from a Bugle.
Taps makes me cry. The very notes tear through my soul and bring forth grief.
Not just for soldiers, but also for loved ones I have lost. Family members I'll never speak with, laugh with, or see again. At least not here in this physical world.
It has been many months since I've visited this little blog. I have been well. My CA-125 is at 19 and my latest CT scan performed just last week is normal. A second remission. I am grateful.
When I awoke to the quiet coolness of the morning with distant trills of songbirds, I thought about this little place where I come to write my thoughts, and I pondered why I haven't lately.
I think that because I am feeling well, I just don't wish to remind myself of being ill. Is that selfish?
I hope not. The truth is, I appreciate this tenuous grasp we all have on our health and respect it.
But when I feel good, I want to live. I want to go for walks. I want to smile and laugh. I don't want shadows over my shoulder.
I don't want to worry about tomorrow or next week. I don't want to recall bad things.
I just want today.
So I chose this weekend to update. I will recall our fallen, and I will remember those who are gone.
But I will not dwell upon my own struggles of the past, nor uncertainties of the future.
Not today.
God bless everyone.
Love, Dixie
Friday, January 29, 2016
January Update and Musings
Well I continue on the Lynparza and my CA-125 continues to decline. My latest result is 26.
I feel I am in a solid remission. Overall I feel well. Occasional nausea from the drug but that is easily managed.
I have some fatigue which I now suspect is from low blood counts. My hematocrit has dropped from 34 to 31, which can happen while on Lynparza, as it suppresses my bone marrow.
Nothing bad enough to require intervention as of this writing. I just rest frequently and try to maintain a healthy appetite.
Wow 2016 already and January almost gone. The days seem to fly by. I look around and am grateful to be here.
Each day I awaken and give thanks for being here to see the day. I say "Thank you God for this beautiful day." I don't care if the sun is shining or it's pouring rain.
Each night I pray for God to make me a kinder person. Kindness and gratitude are two things I strive for more of, and I pray to pass it on to others.
I'm here for a reason, even if its nothing more than to write these simple posts that someone may stumble across one day.
Even if I can cause one person to give thanks or to show kindness, then I have accomplished something good.
So Happy New Year's Everyone. I am grateful to you all and the many kindnesses that have been shown to me. Namaste!
Love,
Dixie
I feel I am in a solid remission. Overall I feel well. Occasional nausea from the drug but that is easily managed.
I have some fatigue which I now suspect is from low blood counts. My hematocrit has dropped from 34 to 31, which can happen while on Lynparza, as it suppresses my bone marrow.
Nothing bad enough to require intervention as of this writing. I just rest frequently and try to maintain a healthy appetite.
Wow 2016 already and January almost gone. The days seem to fly by. I look around and am grateful to be here.
Each day I awaken and give thanks for being here to see the day. I say "Thank you God for this beautiful day." I don't care if the sun is shining or it's pouring rain.
Each night I pray for God to make me a kinder person. Kindness and gratitude are two things I strive for more of, and I pray to pass it on to others.
I'm here for a reason, even if its nothing more than to write these simple posts that someone may stumble across one day.
Even if I can cause one person to give thanks or to show kindness, then I have accomplished something good.
So Happy New Year's Everyone. I am grateful to you all and the many kindnesses that have been shown to me. Namaste!
Love,
Dixie
Sunday, December 20, 2015
In Remembrance of Dave
Today would've been my husband Dave's 61st birthday. For those of you who've followed this blog and the journal I kept at Caring Bridge, or even those who read Tales From the Teal Warrior, well I don't have to tell you what a terrific guy Dave was.
Even though it has been over a year and a half since he died, it is still awkward for me to refer to him in the past tense. After all I did spend 36 years of my life with this man. Together we sort of grew up and grew old. We raised four wonderful boys who grew into the nicest young men any parent could hope for. We also shared many good times along with bad times, including virtually going through cancer together.
I felt tremendous survivors guilt after Dave passed away. I felt like there should've been something more I could've done to help him. Looking back I realize how naive I really was concerning the type of cancer Dave had and how ill he really was. But my very denial in a way, gave Dave hope and made him fight as hard as he could, so for that I am grateful.
I have a friend on Twitter named Teresa Lynn Johnson @TeresaLiveLyric who is a wonderful songwriter and Lyricist, and the other day she tweeted a link to her blog, where I read a song she wrote that reminded me so much of Dave, I just had to ask her if I could print it here on my blog.
Being the lovely sweet person that she is, she agreed. So today on Dave's 61st birthday, I'd like to share that song with all of you dear readers. Printed with permission of the author in its entirety. Please enjoy.
God bless you all.
Love,
Dixie
Even though it has been over a year and a half since he died, it is still awkward for me to refer to him in the past tense. After all I did spend 36 years of my life with this man. Together we sort of grew up and grew old. We raised four wonderful boys who grew into the nicest young men any parent could hope for. We also shared many good times along with bad times, including virtually going through cancer together.
I felt tremendous survivors guilt after Dave passed away. I felt like there should've been something more I could've done to help him. Looking back I realize how naive I really was concerning the type of cancer Dave had and how ill he really was. But my very denial in a way, gave Dave hope and made him fight as hard as he could, so for that I am grateful.
I have a friend on Twitter named Teresa Lynn Johnson @TeresaLiveLyric who is a wonderful songwriter and Lyricist, and the other day she tweeted a link to her blog, where I read a song she wrote that reminded me so much of Dave, I just had to ask her if I could print it here on my blog.
Being the lovely sweet person that she is, she agreed. So today on Dave's 61st birthday, I'd like to share that song with all of you dear readers. Printed with permission of the author in its entirety. Please enjoy.
HOLD ME
Oh would you hold me
Yes hold me just like this
And would you kiss me
With a hungry lover’s kiss
Hold me, kiss me, lets forget
Pretend they haven’t told us yet
And when I’m gone, my love you’ll know
You held a deeply happy soul
Pour all your feeling into me
Oh…
Hold me
~~~*Chorus*~~~
Don’t hold me like a Mother holds a
child
I won’t break
Hold me like the pride
That you have inside
No mortal man can take
Hold me like a dam that keeps
The flowing waters back
Hold me
Hold me just like that
Oh…
This is what I need
When you hold me
~~*~~
Oh when you hold me
My mind wanders away
I think of others
Never being loved this way
Hold me, kiss me, yes I know
How blessed I’ve been that you’re my own
Before I’m gone, I want to prove
My life was great because of you
No way could I have been more pleased
Oh…
Hold me
~~~*Chorus*~~~
Don’t hold me like a Mother holds a
child
I won’t break
Hold me like the pride
That you have inside
No mortal man can take
Hold me like a dam that keeps
The flowing waters back
Hold me
Hold me just like that
Oh…
This is what I need
When you hold me
~~*~~
~~~*Finale*~~~
When a girl seeks love
She can only pray
To find a man
Like you someday
There’s nothing more beautiful,
serene
Than to leave this earth
Being held
In the arms of the man who loves me
Yes this is what I need
For you to hold me
~~*~~
You can enjoy more of Teresa's beautiful songs at her blog http://livinglyricallyteresalynnjohnson.blogspot.c
Love,
Dixie
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Remission. NED. Beast back in the Cage....etc...
9am on Friday December 18th 2015
Phone rings. Caller ID says Dr. B.
Me:Hello
Person:(after identifying themselves) Hello. Is Dixie available?
Me: Speaking
Person: Hello Dixie. I'm calling from Dr. Blanchard's office. I have the results of your last CA-125
Me: (deep inhalation) Yes?
Person: 33. You are within normal limits.
Me: (dumbfounded) 33 you said?
Person: Yes Dr. Blanchard said you would want to know right away.
Me: (Numbly, calmly) Yes. Thank you very much for calling.
Person: Have a nice day.
Me: You too. Goodbye.
I disconnect. I realize I've been holding my breath and I quickly exhale and breathe in.
33.Wow.
First normal reading since January.
What do I feel? A deep sense of wonder and gratitude.
"I'm better" I think to myself. "I'm in remission!" NED (No evident disease)
I quickly call and message everyone I can think of. I announce it to all of the wonderful people on Twitter with a pinned tweet.
Now true I still need to get a CT scan to see the actual state of the disease but I know it is going to be stable. Deep inside, viscerally, I just know this.
I am so happy and feel so blessed. I walk around all day just giving thanks.
How long will this remission last? A few weeks? A few months? Hopefully a few years. More than a few years. I am just grateful. I have won this round. The beast is back in the cage, where hopefully it will remain.
Though I will remain a diligent watcher, I will not obsess about this. I will get back to the business of enjoying my life. And supporting others who continue their fight.
God bless and keep you all.
Life is good and worth fighting for.
Love,
Dixie
Phone rings. Caller ID says Dr. B.
Me:Hello
Person:(after identifying themselves) Hello. Is Dixie available?
Me: Speaking
Person: Hello Dixie. I'm calling from Dr. Blanchard's office. I have the results of your last CA-125
Me: (deep inhalation) Yes?
Person: 33. You are within normal limits.
Me: (dumbfounded) 33 you said?
Person: Yes Dr. Blanchard said you would want to know right away.
Me: (Numbly, calmly) Yes. Thank you very much for calling.
Person: Have a nice day.
Me: You too. Goodbye.
I disconnect. I realize I've been holding my breath and I quickly exhale and breathe in.
33.Wow.
First normal reading since January.
What do I feel? A deep sense of wonder and gratitude.
"I'm better" I think to myself. "I'm in remission!" NED (No evident disease)
I quickly call and message everyone I can think of. I announce it to all of the wonderful people on Twitter with a pinned tweet.
Now true I still need to get a CT scan to see the actual state of the disease but I know it is going to be stable. Deep inside, viscerally, I just know this.
I am so happy and feel so blessed. I walk around all day just giving thanks.
How long will this remission last? A few weeks? A few months? Hopefully a few years. More than a few years. I am just grateful. I have won this round. The beast is back in the cage, where hopefully it will remain.
Though I will remain a diligent watcher, I will not obsess about this. I will get back to the business of enjoying my life. And supporting others who continue their fight.
God bless and keep you all.
Life is good and worth fighting for.
Love,
Dixie
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Update:Lynparza. Magic Bullet?
Hello everyone. Hope you all had a lovely holiday.
I did. Except for the sleeping part, which apparently I do quite a bit of now that I've started Lynparza as my main defense against ovarian cancer.
My package of pills arrived via FedEx last week from a pharmacy in North Carolina. Only a handful of pharmacies in the states dispense this drug so it must be shipped.
I began them the following day after filling up my pill dispenser so I won't forget to take a dose.
They are a white capsule that go down easily. Which is good, because I have to take 16 of them daily. I take 8 in the morning and 8 more, roughly 12 hours later. I'm trying to stay within the same time frame at least with an hour leeway either way.
Lynparza was fairly recently approved here in the US for treatment of ovarian cancer for BRCA positive women who have had 3 or more different types of chemo in past treatment. Lynparza is classified as a PARP inhibitor. Skipping a bunch of long-winded medical jargon here, it works directly on the DNA of the mutated cells to prevent them from repairing themselves, thus causing them to die. Which is the goal. Cancer cells being the damned little mutants that don't need to be going forth and multiplying.
I never did get my CA-125 down to 35. Not quite. Stuck at 40 last time it was checked, though I was assured that 40 was really no worse than 38. But it matters a great deal to me.
Dr. B. decided to give me a break from the in-hospital chemo sessions, and started me on the Lynparza which will hopefully drop that number for me.
My biggest side effect issues right now are extreme fatigue, (I'm talking 4 hour naps here) and increasing shortness of breath on exertion. The daytime napping naturally leaves me with insomnia at night. Which is now becoming problematic as it is difficult for me to get things done.
The shortness of breath is definitely not good either. I can't climb stairs without stopping halfway and sometimes even walking from room to room leaves me exhausted. I'm going to set small goals for myself. Like writing this blog update. Only began it 3 hours ago but I am seriously tired here so I've taken frequent breaks to lie down.
Now true, It's not like I've written my college thesis here, but I really feel like I've accomplished my goal today as soon as I hit publish. Maybe tomorrow I'll manage to get dressed.
Update completed.
Goal completed.
Have a wonderful evening all. Blessed to be here!
Love,
Dixie
I did. Except for the sleeping part, which apparently I do quite a bit of now that I've started Lynparza as my main defense against ovarian cancer.
My package of pills arrived via FedEx last week from a pharmacy in North Carolina. Only a handful of pharmacies in the states dispense this drug so it must be shipped.
I began them the following day after filling up my pill dispenser so I won't forget to take a dose.
Lynparza was fairly recently approved here in the US for treatment of ovarian cancer for BRCA positive women who have had 3 or more different types of chemo in past treatment. Lynparza is classified as a PARP inhibitor. Skipping a bunch of long-winded medical jargon here, it works directly on the DNA of the mutated cells to prevent them from repairing themselves, thus causing them to die. Which is the goal. Cancer cells being the damned little mutants that don't need to be going forth and multiplying.
I never did get my CA-125 down to 35. Not quite. Stuck at 40 last time it was checked, though I was assured that 40 was really no worse than 38. But it matters a great deal to me.
Dr. B. decided to give me a break from the in-hospital chemo sessions, and started me on the Lynparza which will hopefully drop that number for me.
My biggest side effect issues right now are extreme fatigue, (I'm talking 4 hour naps here) and increasing shortness of breath on exertion. The daytime napping naturally leaves me with insomnia at night. Which is now becoming problematic as it is difficult for me to get things done.
The shortness of breath is definitely not good either. I can't climb stairs without stopping halfway and sometimes even walking from room to room leaves me exhausted. I'm going to set small goals for myself. Like writing this blog update. Only began it 3 hours ago but I am seriously tired here so I've taken frequent breaks to lie down.
Now true, It's not like I've written my college thesis here, but I really feel like I've accomplished my goal today as soon as I hit publish. Maybe tomorrow I'll manage to get dressed.
Update completed.
Goal completed.
Have a wonderful evening all. Blessed to be here!
Love,
Dixie
 |
| My Thanksgiving Day photo complete with new hairdo thanks to Keri! |
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Giving Thanks at this time of year and Every Day!
Thanksgiving is to be celebrated tomorrow here in America. It's a day when families gather together to laugh, cook, eat. Watch football. Eat some more. Semi clean up. Moms will groan over what to do with the turkey carcass. Dads will nap. Everyone will eat yet again.
In some families, usually the women (but sometimes the guys too) will pour over the store flyers looking for the Black Friday deals, and make plans to be up and out the door before sunrise, and hopefully beat the yearly stampede into stores that will be open bright and early.
Holidays are hard for me still. This is my 2nd Thanksgiving without my husband Dave. I'm no longer "Moms" where everyone gathered. Due to my ongoing illness, I am officially Granny who tags along and tries to help but really just gets in the way. So I go sit down and enjoy my grandchildren.
But I am grateful. I have a family that love me. I have somewhere to be. Many people don't and I pray for these people each day. Also I am still here to enjoy these moments. More memories to make with my children and grandchildren.
Last week my brother Alan, his wife Ellen and my sister Jan drove all the way up from Georgia to see me. I only hope I was able to convey to them how much this meant to me. I had not seen any of them since our mother passed away in 1999.
Time has a way of slipping away from us and if you are hit with fighting a devastating illness, it flies by. Before you know it loved ones have passed or are in ill health. Travel becomes impossible and the next thing you know, the time to have done this has come and gone.
So I am doubly thankful this year that I was able to spend time with them. It was warm. It was comforting. It was what family is all about. So have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year everyone. Count your blessings every single day.
God bless and keep you all.
Love,
Dixie
In some families, usually the women (but sometimes the guys too) will pour over the store flyers looking for the Black Friday deals, and make plans to be up and out the door before sunrise, and hopefully beat the yearly stampede into stores that will be open bright and early.
Holidays are hard for me still. This is my 2nd Thanksgiving without my husband Dave. I'm no longer "Moms" where everyone gathered. Due to my ongoing illness, I am officially Granny who tags along and tries to help but really just gets in the way. So I go sit down and enjoy my grandchildren.
But I am grateful. I have a family that love me. I have somewhere to be. Many people don't and I pray for these people each day. Also I am still here to enjoy these moments. More memories to make with my children and grandchildren.
Last week my brother Alan, his wife Ellen and my sister Jan drove all the way up from Georgia to see me. I only hope I was able to convey to them how much this meant to me. I had not seen any of them since our mother passed away in 1999.
Time has a way of slipping away from us and if you are hit with fighting a devastating illness, it flies by. Before you know it loved ones have passed or are in ill health. Travel becomes impossible and the next thing you know, the time to have done this has come and gone.
So I am doubly thankful this year that I was able to spend time with them. It was warm. It was comforting. It was what family is all about. So have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year everyone. Count your blessings every single day.
God bless and keep you all.
Love,
Dixie
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Divine Synchronicity
I love art. And I love artists. Whether the medium be painting, sculpture, music, design...well the list goes on and on.
It has oft been said about art that it is not what the piece shows you, but rather what the piece MAKES you see and feel.
This very case in point was hammered home to me the other day in a most unusual way.
I have an acquaintance on Twitter. Well actually I proudly consider her my friend. You may be familiar with her work as I have showcased it here on my blog. I am referring to the Artist Audrey Keenan @AngelHealingArt who paints the most glorious, unique angel images I've ever laid eyes on.
The other day she tweeted this one.
Now as you can see from Audrey's initials, the painting is on its side but honestly I'm not sure if I would've seen the connection otherwise. For although I love the little teal and white angel, it was the lavender background that struck a familiar chord within me. You see. I knew in my heart that I had seen that simple background before.
And I was right. Allow me to demonstrate.
And finally
You must remember that Audrey has never laid eyes on my photograph. I alone made the connection. I think it is pretty amazing and special. Now the painting has even more meaning for me. Surgery for ovarian cancer pretty much removed my bellybutton. Audrey didn't realize she was painting my soul with that little teal angel and the background. The angel symbolizes for me the healing that is taking place in-spite of the scarring left behind. And even if I had laid this painting upright, and my photograph on it's side, the resemblance is still there and the results are the same.
So the next time you feel drawn to a piece of art. Look closely from all angles. The artist may have captured a tiny bit of your soul.
God bless you all and have a wonderful day.
Love,
Dixie
It has oft been said about art that it is not what the piece shows you, but rather what the piece MAKES you see and feel.
This very case in point was hammered home to me the other day in a most unusual way.
I have an acquaintance on Twitter. Well actually I proudly consider her my friend. You may be familiar with her work as I have showcased it here on my blog. I am referring to the Artist Audrey Keenan @AngelHealingArt who paints the most glorious, unique angel images I've ever laid eyes on.
The other day she tweeted this one.
And I was right. Allow me to demonstrate.
 | |||
| My torso about 2 or 3 weeks after my surgery |
 | |
| Audrey's painting in comparison. Do you see it? |
 | ||
| Audrey's painting and my photograph. |
So the next time you feel drawn to a piece of art. Look closely from all angles. The artist may have captured a tiny bit of your soul.
God bless you all and have a wonderful day.
Love,
Dixie
Sunday, November 8, 2015
It's My Cancer and I'll Cry If I want to!!
Hello everyone. Another beautiful Autumn day here in Mass.Wishing you all joy and love.
Last Sunday I checked into the Boston Medical Center for another chemotherapy session in the ICU as per the desensitize protocol.
Everything pretty much went the way it had last month with being first admitted to the 7th floor cancer care unit that evening and then transferring upstairs to the ICU the next morning for my infusions.
Once again I was pretty much out of it due to the sedating effects of the pre-meds.
My awesome nurse Janet once again got to spend the day monitoring me. By the way let me make introductions here.Readers I present
Janet. Janet meet my awesome readers!
Ok things went pretty smoothly until I happily, and with great expectations asked for the results of my latest CA-125. It had such a good drop the prior month I was totally expecting to finally be in the normal range at long last.
Poor Janet got the delightful job of telling me that it had not decreased. It had in fact risen.
The results were 40. Now true this is only a 2 point increase from the 38 of last month, but it really hit me hard. I did something I rarely do. I burst into tears.
I had such high hopes of being in the normal range. Finally I would be able to stop IV chemo and go on the Olaparib maintenance.
Janet was an angel and let me blubber it out and did what all really great nurses do.
And that is lend a shoulder to cry on and offer encouragement.
I am not discouraged...well maybe a little. But hey, these are the breaks and I will continue to count my blessings. You know I think I even managed to sell a few copies of my book to the rounding team of young doctors!
I came home Tuesday afternoon and have waited to feel a little better to jot this update.
I have had more nausea this week than usual along with sleeping away a great portion of my days.
Today I am up and at 'em and I continue to express my deep gratitude at the kindness shown me by all of you out there. Your well wishes and prayers mean everything to me, and I am blessed.
As I remarked the other day, this is one of the most beautiful Autumn's I can recall here in New England and I am so happy to be able to enjoy it.
God bless and watch over all of you.
Love, Dixie
Last Sunday I checked into the Boston Medical Center for another chemotherapy session in the ICU as per the desensitize protocol.
 |
| BedHead!!!! |
Everything pretty much went the way it had last month with being first admitted to the 7th floor cancer care unit that evening and then transferring upstairs to the ICU the next morning for my infusions.
Once again I was pretty much out of it due to the sedating effects of the pre-meds.
My awesome nurse Janet once again got to spend the day monitoring me. By the way let me make introductions here.Readers I present
 | |
| My Awesome Nurse Janet |
Ok things went pretty smoothly until I happily, and with great expectations asked for the results of my latest CA-125. It had such a good drop the prior month I was totally expecting to finally be in the normal range at long last.
Poor Janet got the delightful job of telling me that it had not decreased. It had in fact risen.
The results were 40. Now true this is only a 2 point increase from the 38 of last month, but it really hit me hard. I did something I rarely do. I burst into tears.
I had such high hopes of being in the normal range. Finally I would be able to stop IV chemo and go on the Olaparib maintenance.
Janet was an angel and let me blubber it out and did what all really great nurses do.
And that is lend a shoulder to cry on and offer encouragement.
I am not discouraged...well maybe a little. But hey, these are the breaks and I will continue to count my blessings. You know I think I even managed to sell a few copies of my book to the rounding team of young doctors!
I came home Tuesday afternoon and have waited to feel a little better to jot this update.
I have had more nausea this week than usual along with sleeping away a great portion of my days.
Today I am up and at 'em and I continue to express my deep gratitude at the kindness shown me by all of you out there. Your well wishes and prayers mean everything to me, and I am blessed.
As I remarked the other day, this is one of the most beautiful Autumn's I can recall here in New England and I am so happy to be able to enjoy it.
God bless and watch over all of you.
Love, Dixie
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